April 22, 2007

4:14 p.m.


Saturday, April 21
I could have a job by May 7 if I get clearance from my psychiatrist. It is yet another humiliation but I canít do anything about this one. Whatever is decided is completely beyond my control. My choice of work as a sales counselor is way off course from my desirable line of work but when I woke up January 3rd and said, ďIíve had enough,Ē I really meant that about everything especially being impoverished. The opportunities are endless, literally endless, with this corporation. I could possibly make up 10 $100,000 a year and since itís been done itís a realistic goal. Not much is impossible once youíve hit rock bottom.

So, while Iím waiting, I cleaning house actually and figuratively. I think Iíve purged the uninspiring items from my life including but not limited to people, alcohol, cigarettes, and unhappy reminders of my miserable pastÖ

Ö Itís been a long 3 months.

I had to have my mother purchase groceries for my family today. I couldnít even be humiliated which scares me. Exactly how far have we sunk? How long will it be like this if Iím denied employment? It doesnít help that Iím at the age in which health slowly declines and a life of stress leads to chronic and terminal illnesses.

A lot has happened in between to make me happy and surprised. I have made good friends with my immediate neighbors, just yesterday, I was entertaining a yard full of children, I received numerous compliments on my landscaped yard, and I gave the interviewer one of the best interviews he ever had.

Unfortunately, thereís always something going on beneath the surface that never sleeps. The War Against Terror is still rolling and all sides are deeply divided, especially in our families. Itís difficult talking about it because the subject somehow mutates into a Republican versus Democrat. I fail to see it from party lines; itís gone on to long to be a voting issue in my opinion. I donít know what it is anymore other than a plague that consumes everything within itís reach.

My brother-in-law is an old man at 21 but heís become unnaturally astute and funny. He has the best sense of humor I think Iíve ever seen for someone that gets an average of two hours of sleep a night. He woke up once will he was home for leave looking for his gun. He also made himself sick by sleeping for seven hours straight. He went on for hours talking about how absolutely gross Baghdad is: maggoty goats hanging in the market, men and boys pissing in the streets, trash rolling down downtown sidewalks. Sounds like the way people described New York City so I cannot say itís just a cultural blemish. Heís lost six friends while here in Georgia and lost one more within the two weeks he was back in the saddle. His tone is flat when he talks or writes about it.

It is what it is.

I watched the evolving footage of the Virginia Tech massacre. Being a mother and a human being, I took it very hard. Thereís not a whole lot I can say about it. I feel it anytime I see that someone died prematurely regardless of the situation and socioeconomic status. I watched Real Time and agreed with one of the panelists when she said we should crack down on the nuts. It is like our family member that has guns and no moral compass but thereís nothing legally proactive that you can do until they pull the trigger on someone or get caught breaking a law. You just have to wait for a tragedy to see them removed from society.

The desire is strong to learn basic maneuvers of self-defense. I thought about taking a hunting course, a martial arts class, and get trained the day when I have to defend my or someone elseís life. Call it being an alarmist or whatever you choose but I donít like being unprepared.

The Atkins diet begins next week and itís a big deal. Itís one hell of an expensive diet but it worked before and will work again. I blew out my knee doing lunges and the doctor was very methodical in tone telling me I needed to lose weight, which was probably causing my joint distress. Naturally, I was defensive because Iíve come a long way down from 197 to 168, Iíve taken several Anatomy courses recently and Iíve become a diet pro; essentially, I hate being told something I already fucking know. [Whatís the point in hiding your weight when it doesnít really matter? People know when youíre larger than 104 pounds.]

Iím getting over it but Iím also making sure I never get that speech again.

Unfortunately, I made the promise to my grandmother that I would take my son to her house for a visit. Itís going to be a long night because thereís not a lot to do over there and some of the subjects discussed will be uncomfortable.

I can get over that, too.

Listening to...

Attempting to read...

About to watch...