11:04 a.m.

Get ready to get happy or else

I have tried sending an text message for almost an hour but I refuse to call him. I just don't want to talk, I don't want to respond; I only want to make one statement. I want to tell him how I feel for once without him telling me how that makes him feel and then spend the next 15 minutes feeding his ego and trying to cheer him up. I love him. I really do. I'm just very, very tired and sad.

The morning started early because my son is home from daycare which takes an entire week off near the 4th of July every year. I took the last of my barely-legal antihistamine which is giving me a boost in energy and moral. I have to watch him up until the point I leave for work which is coming slower than anticipated.

Time hardly ever stands still but it hasn't moved much for me this morning. I want to say it's a good thing because it's sorta like "me" time. I don't have to tell anyone to turn the TV down and I don't have to listen to anyone complain and whine. The boy has been almost a pleasure to be with today minus him pooping in his underwear.


The weekend was wasted away and I kinda sorta wish I went to work. I feel guilty for not wanting to spend time with my spouse here recently but I can't take all the whining and complaining. I'm already a bit miserable because of work but being there doesn't seem to be as bad as being at home recently. That's horrible but that's how I feel.

He's the reason I don't want to go on vacation. I can't always make the decisions but I will and he won't be satisfied with any of my choices, be it directions, where we eat, what time we leave the beach, when we pack up, when we call to check on our son, etc. I'm going to ask for a prescription for 5 Xanax or I'm not going. I would probably kill myself from the stress and misery if I don't.

Oh, boy. I think I'm hormonal (as is always the first assumption in America for a woman being unhappy) or I'm just really, really, really stressed. I have until 1 pm today to work this out and get back into a good mood.

I think I will get off this chair and do about 25 minutes of cardio/pilates. I need a nice runner's high right now.

Listening to... The Rip: Portishead

Attempting to read... Hegemony or Survival: Noam Chomsky

About to watch... a workout DVD, probably Denise Austin